Vampire Beat: Christopher Blaze

This year I discovered a show on Hulu. It was a show from the 90’s about a vampire cop trying to redeem himself and become mortal once again. The show is Forever Knight and it is excellent.

A friend recently produced a box of old books she was getting rid of and let me take as many as I wanted. To my delight, I found a book about a vampire cop.

Vampire Beat, unfortunately, is no Forever Knight. But it was so deliciously bad that I could not put it down or stop from writing down some of the more absurd quotes. So please, enjoy with me.

Why do I say this book is deliciously bad? We’ll start with the writing. It is constantly doing everything writers are told not to do. Showing instead of telling is the biggest issue but there are clichés and hammy lines galore as well.

In fifth grade, my best friend at the time had a Siamese cat named Dylan. Being the precocious/oddball kid that I was, I wrote a story called “Cat Love” about Dylan his girlfriend (a Siamese named Delilah) and the evil cat Big Mac who wanted Delilah for his bride (accomplished by kidnapping her and feeding her a love potion). It had a lot of “Little did Delilah know that Big Mac was right there behind her!” and “Oh I will get you for this” and other cartoony lines.  Vampire Beat had a lot of that.

One of the lines is literally

“He had plans to make, evil plans”

And yet I had to read it just as I always have to watch Mannequin whenever its on tv.

We start out with our hero Christopher Blaze (catchy name, ain’t it?) working undercover. He’s about to bust the cult he’s been investigating which is about to sacrifice a young girl. Chris saves the day and kills the evil cult leader but not before the evil cult leader casts a spell on him. If Chris dies, he will become a vampire.

Gee, I wonder if Chris will die?

Hallucinations of the cult leader cause our hero to end up in a car accident. He’s rushed to the hospital where our love interest Sue works as a doctor. She’s pretty, blonde and married to Jonathan Wadsworth III who is a rich blonde jerk. (For the record, Chris is also blonde. The only non-blonde in this is Reggie, Chris’ token African-American sidekick). Now I was glad that Sue was a doctor and fairly intelligent but you knew right away that her boyfriend was bad news and she was an idiot being with him.

Sue Catledge had been torn between her impending betrothal to Jonathan and the constant thought that she was making a huge mistake by marrying the rich playboy, Did she love him, or was it just a marriage of inevitability.

If you refer to your own boyfriend as a playboy, then he’s probably bad for you.

So there’s a little connection there. Off Chris goes to his next assignment, a drug bust. It goes wrong and he dies! Except…nope. He comes back as a vampire.

During this time we’re introduced to sidekick Reggie, a black man who’s been playing pranks on his bastard boss. One goes to far and he’s assigned to the night shift, becoming partners with Chris Blaze who has claimed a “sun allergy.” The pair start investigating the murders of young girls. Is it Chris who is draining the girls without realizing it?

Haha, no. It’s another vampire. Who wants Sue for his bride, to control the world and to destroy Chris since he won’t join him. Will Sue leave Jonathan for Chris? Will she become a bride? Will Reggie and Chris save the day? What of Reggie’s boss, will he get his revenge?

You should probably know the answers. But in case you don’t, I don’t think I’ll spoil it for you. You really need to read this book. Go on Amazon. Or if you know me, ask to borrow it. Just…just do it.

If only for the really bad sex scene. My favorite line?

Her brown pubic hairs framed the loveliness of her mound.

I get beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all but…pubic hairs?

Alright, all joking aside, the book isn’t abysmal. Like I’ve said, it’s readable and entertaining. I would rather read it than something dull and acclaimed. (Not to say everything that is acclaimed is dull. But some dull works are also very acclaimed.)

Chris Blaze is not the most dynamic of characters. I’d count on him to get the job done but I wouldn’t want to date him. Even if he admired my hair down there. Maybe I’ve been tarnished by all the brooding, emotional vampires. Maybe the fact that Chris Blaze adjusted so well to his vampiness if because he is a self-actualized person and content in who he is. Maybe all vampires should take a cue from him. Maybe humans are imposing their insecurities onto vampires.

I’ll still take Nick Knight.

Oh Natalie, you lucky lucky girl. Until the series finale.

Man Breakdown:

Breakdown

Appearance: I need to quote for full effect

Chris Blaze was a handsome man with delicate features. His piercing blue eyes rivaled Paul Newman’s. He was about six feet tall and worked out regularly at the gym. His good looks only served to accentuate just how repulsive [the villain] could be.

Personality: heroic, take charge

Best Quality: He always fights for the side of good

Worst Quality: He’s not terribly exciting

Man Grade: C

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5 Responses to “Vampire Beat: Christopher Blaze”


  1. 1 Tori August 13, 2010 at 11:08 pm

    This book sounds so delightfully bad, and I’ve not yet heard of this “Forever Knight” show! 😀

    … but that “hair down there” quote… ugh.

    Still love you though, Ally! Still love you. ❤

  2. 3 Jessica August 14, 2010 at 1:34 am

    Wow, this book sounds amazing. You must lend it to me asap.

  3. 5 ashelly September 22, 2010 at 1:43 am

    ok really glad i gave you that book i my self never read it and thank my lucky stars for that. but reading this blog was hilarious


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